Feelings...

...after recently reading a blog, where the author discussed some feelings she was having, it got me to thinking. I usually try and keep my blog light, fun, and a record of the happenings of our family. But today, for a number of different reasons I am choosing to put my deeper, darker feelings out there--my form of cheap thearpy, I guess. Today is one of those days, where if I could curl up in bed and just cry the day away I would. I am lonely. I am sad. And I am feeling extremly misplaced here in the desert. I have felt this way on and off ever since I moved here in 2005, but lately, especially since Parker was born, I felt more isolated, more overwhelmed, and more in need of my friends and family. The problem is, all of my close friends are scattered across the country and my family is all back east, aside from my mom. My other mom and step dad, brothers, aunts, uncles and cousins are so far away and I miss the sound of their voices and the smiles on thier faces. I miss feeling like part of a family. My mother is great, I love her, and I would have gone insane long ago if she was not living near me here in Tucson. But it's not the same when you only get to see your family every couple of years, if that. I know she misses them, too. I am not close to many members of my husband's family, and often feel very out of place and out of the loop. We seem to be an after thought in most cases, and I feel very much like I am on the outside looking in.

I struggle at church. I struggle to live up to a standard I feel is impossible to obtain. I am a convert to my religion and as a result there is a whole culture, language, and experience that I didn't grow up with. I feel spiritually inadaquate, and worrying on an almost daily basis that I am failing my children and my husband. I don't fit in my ward. It has been almost four years and I still feel like a visitor. I want to join cooking clubs and play groups and go on Relief Society trips, but I don't, because again, I feel like I am on the outside looking in and I don't know how to get to the other side.

I struggle as a mother. I am not a naturally maternal person and I feel very judged because of it. Now, that could just be me projecting my own guilt outward, but a lot of the decisions I've made in regards to my children, especially my decision not to breastfeed, have been met with disapproval. I do the best I can. I love my children, but I also want to maintain and cultivate my individuality. I don't want to lose the person I was before marriage and children. I want to have time for myself and my hobbies. Is that so bad?

I am grateful, too, although that may be lost in this post. I have a husband that despite what his parents or family thought, loved me and made me his wife. He has built a life with me, and has allowed me to be just who I am, GIGANTIC flaws and all. I will forever be grateful and humbled by the love of my husband. Most days I don't deserve his kindness, patience, and unwaivering support, but I am blessed by it nonetheless. I have three BEAUTIFUL children. Energetic, exasperating, and uniquely wonderful children, without whom I would feel incomplete. It's just somedays, days like today, I wish I had a close friend and confidant to tell my feelings to, rather than having to find comfort in posting a blog entry.